Men Don’t Cheat, People Do

070I recently read a post by a fellow South African about how her parents’ marriage didn’t end although her father openly had an affair. She doesn’t write often, but she does it very well. Her post had me thinking about my opinion about cheating.

I’ve been on both sides of the whole cheating scenario – the betrayed wife and the other woman – and neither side is all bad or all good. I hate re-hashing the past but I value past experiences for what I learn from them and this is what I know now: People who don’t know themselves will cheat. This means that the majority of people in this world will cheat if the circumstances are right.

When I was the poor, wronged wife I was betrayed because I betrayed myself. I made myself into some “thing” that I am not. I was angry, unhappy, overweight and unsatisfied. I made myself into what I thought the world wanted from me and turned against who I really am. No wonder my dear husband thought it was OK to do the same. Yes, I could explore all the things that were wrong between the two of us and I could possibly come up with reasons why he has to carry some of the blame. But you know, that’s a cop-out. If I had known what I stand for, if I had followed my heart, if I had listened to the voice inside myself I would not have ever found myself in that situation. To be brutally honest, with all the inner turmoil I was experiencing I had no energy left to still work on creating a happy marriage and there were times I could not care less. So whoever she/they were, they helped me carry the load of having a man in my life.

As for being the other woman; no power, no rational argument nor moral injunction would have held me back from being with the man I was seeing. Nothing. I was called bitter and accused of wanting revenge for the hurt that I went through, but you know, I wasn’t even thinking about my husband or whoever he did whatever with. I was busy having the best romantic experience of my life and I felt then and still feel now that I was following my heart. I know to this day that he (my illicit lover) loves me and I can call him up and he will be only too glad to hear from me. That does not mean that I want to be where we were with each other. He needed the love I could give and I needed the love he gave, but we are done with each other now. Shoot me if I see no problem with that. I was with him because I desperately wanted to have a certain experience. He showed up and played the role perfectly and I really didn’t a give damn who else was in the equation. I clearly and rationally made the decision. I wasn’t tricked, I didn’t lose my mind, I made a choice. I did something that I felt I had never done before and that was following my heart no matter where it led. I still love him and he is the only person I know who looks at me and sees ME.

I’ve been on either side and if shit gets to the point where people are stepping outside the relationship everyone is to blame; the man, the woman, the other man and the other woman, society, the kids, the dog, the canary. Every damn body has to carry the can. Because everyone believes that you can use someone else to fill up the holes inside yourself. Everyone thinks that you must find the right person to make you happy. We teach each other that our joy lies in a relationship, in the right person, in that person doing certain things inside the relationship. Eventually the flaw in that theory starts showing itself, but because everyone keeps reinforcing it we assume that we are wrong and not the theory.

As long as you chase after something with a lacking heart, your life will show that you are indeed lacking. As long as you think the next person, or the next relationship or the next anything will give you what you have always been looking for, you will keep searching and you will be likely to cheat. When you understand that you create whatever you truly desire from the inside out, only then do you really become capable of genuine fidelity. When you commit to yourself whole-heartedly only then can you be trusted to commit to another person.

Relationships are not vehicles to create happiness, they are reflections of everything that is happening inside the people who create them. If you are being cheated on, best believe that there is something inside your inner territory that is being reflected back to you by way of your relationship. Our relationships with those outside ourselves are reflections of the relationship we have with our inner being.

As long as you don’t know about you, and you don’t trust yourself, and you are not faithful to who you are, nobody should be foolish enough to imagine that you will not cheat on them. It’s not a man thing because we women cheat all day, every day in many different ways. It’s a human thing. It’s a spiritual thing.

When you met that guy your gut told you something is off with him. But you didn’t trust yourself, you decided to believe his words over your heart. When that girl said something dodgy, a tiny alarm bell went off in your head, but you didn’t want to act paranoid so you ended up marrying her. When that tiny, little voice kept asking you: “Are you sure about this? Do you really want to go ahead with this relationship?”, you said all relationships are difficult and everything will work out somehow. If not you can always get divorced. Eventually divorce/break-up was the only option left.

Can you now see why you can’t find someone trustworthy and faithful? You turn on yourself over and over again. Right before my marriage a voice kept asking me: “Are you sure you want to do this?” It was very calm, very clear and insistent. It wanted an answer, and I gave it one. I said: “Hey, shut up! Do you see anyone else here trying to marry me? Don’t bother me with stupid questions.” Eventually I got what I signed up for, betrayal.

Instead of finding a faithful man, or a trustworthy woman or creating a strong relationship or marriage, first acknowledge that you have to BE the kind of person for whom that is just desserts. You have to be it in order for it to appear in your life. If you’re not, it’s bound to be a hit and miss affair and you are mostly going to miss.

From my experience I observe that life is ruled by one law: Everything you are creates the experiences of your life. So alas, there is no one but yourself to blame for your being cheated on.

Having said all that I still believe that there is a soulmate for everyone. The human heart would not hunger after a perfect love and an ideal mate in the way it does unless there was a way to fulfil that desire. But you have to be able to give as good as you get and that is where the wheels fall off the wagon for the majority of us.

Love the one you are, be faithful to that one, commit to that one, be a soulmate to that one first. Life then has no option but to reflect your inner experiences in the outer world.

End of sermon…

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14 comments

  1. I loved your sermon very much thank you for writing it. What struck me was that you said how much you were responsible and that you made the decision and that you would do it again. Meet a lot of women will be to run push on this point is of saying to me “I want to have an affair,” they create a scenario in which everyone will hate the husband and forgive them for stepping out on him. You are right that if we going into anything with a lacking heart the relationship was always going to lack something and the other person who is giving us what we want is going to have the upper hand and a relationship like that has no quality and will never last.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I just wanted to be with a great guy and all the other aspects of the situation I considered minor details. That is just me being honest. Either one of us could have walked away before getting involved and we both knew that. We both wanted to be with each other and we were. The worst cheaters are the ones who makes it someone else’s fault, that’s like letting you know that they’re planning on doing it again. When you take a hard look at yourself and your actions you become more responsible, I think. More responsible for your own happiness and more responsible towards the people you love.
      Tx for reading

      Liked by 1 person

  2. SWEET NETTA : ONE thing i do know , Because my FATHER told me and he cant lie . IS if a women needs a man , or a man needs a women . N ever never never chose for one self . ASK MY FATHER FOR THE ONE HE WANTS FOR YOU . Because HE has the right one waiting for you . And he will let you know which one HE has chosen . AND its never the one we chose , The one he choses will be with you till dead seperates the two of you . IF any relation goes flat its because we chose not my FATHER . HE planed our soulmate before he created us . and he knows what he is doing . WE make discisons according to what we thank is the right move . which never works out the way we want . SO THIS TIME ASK HIM MY FATHER AND HE WILL PROVE HE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE . ——- Thank about it is this a good move ? my experence by doing thing his way , I have no problems or needs BECAUSE HE TAKES CARE OF ALL MY NEEDS AND PROBLEMS . AM i rich mabe so i have everthing i need and want , and still have enought to share with outhers . And i never find my self with a need , because HE meets all of them . I ask him for a sister and he gave me you . Never in our life have we ever seen one or the outher. and you know this the truth . The carnel-mind says you cant love someone you have never meet . But this is not true , when he put us together HE also gave us HIS LOVE to each one of us . to share with each outher and to outhers. And i am happy and thankful because he loves us both even if we dont deserve it . THE BEST CHOSE IS HIS CHOSE .If we believe it or not , ask him for the one he wants for you then dont do anything . because he doesent need our help . BUT WE DO NEED HIS

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  3. Dear Eduardo, I agree that the most important things in our lives needs to be left over to a Higher Source and that if we can trust we will receive much more than we can ever accomplish by ourselves. But I think that many of us don’t even trust ourselves, but we want others to be trustworthy in the way they deal with us. That is not fair. You can only get what you can give. So when we can learn to trust ourselves, then maybe we can trust in a Higher Source to fulfil what we need.
    I will admit that it is difficult to stop making plans and forcing things to go the way you want them to and to trust instead that you heart will lead you to where you need to be and all our needs are known and provided for.
    I definitely agree with you when it comes to soul mates. I honestly believe that our hearts would not be yearning for some special person if God did not make a special person for everyone. We can have good relationships with other persons but there is an ideal that we will only experience when we meet up with the right one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course we can because I think many people are fearful of being cheated on in their relationship, but we always try to fix problems like everything happens outside ourselves and we are not the place where problems start. So lets keep talking, I want to hear what you have to say

      Liked by 1 person

      • SIS you know , i have told you before that i will not give anybody advice or my apionion . what i say or write is what my FATHER is telling us . And the whole world . this is all he gave me so far , when HE tells me more you too will know what HE is saying . OK here is something HE just told me . When we were born we were taught by our mother, father and many outhers including our self s . this is a fact what we believe controls our life IF its true or false . Also we are taught to believe what we are taught is true. without proveing if it is true or not . MOST people will reject the truth, to hold on to what they were told is the truth or what they think is the truth . To day i thank my FATHER that now i am not one who does this. however in yrs. past i was . I have ask many people what they think the word truth means . Never got a true answer , because no one knows . SAME thing with the word LOVE and where can you find it ? The truth is no one knows, not even I intell I ask my FATHER . HE said are you telling me or asking me ? I said i am asking you FATHER . SO HE told me— I am the truth to receive the truth you must FIRST listen to me .I also am love and only I can give you the LOVE you deserve . And i will never take it back . one time in my life i was on a very tall building looking down the people looked like ants . and a voice spoke to me if you jump off of this building angles will catch you, and you will not die . at the end of die MY FATHER spoke to me and said dont listen its a lie.—– Once we receive the truth from him my FATHER you then know the truth from the lies . needless to say when we receive his LOVE and know HIM as he realy is , AND when some one offers you crap you will know the difference from true LOVE . THOSE who listen to my FATHER will love you just like he does. And they will never never never lie to you . Because they were taught by my FATHER

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I hear what you’re saying Eduardo and I agree that the best love one can find is by looking within and listening to the voice within, whatever you might call that voice. The world we live in however is saying find love with the right woman or the right man and make sure that person doesn’t cheat on you. That is what we are all being taught and people don’t like it when you say love yourself and everything else will follow. Like I say in the post above I also felt that I was going to lose out on being loved if I didn’t go into the relationship I was in. But I learnt that if I can receive such a great amount of love it is because I am capable of giving so much love. I learnt that relationships get better the more love you find inside yourself and the more you give yourself that love instead of wanting someone else to love you.
    I wish that the whole world can know what you know. that when you have connected with the ultimate source of Love, you will know when someone is given real love or the fake version. But first you have to listen to the voice that speaks within your heart.
    For myself I will honestly say that it is one thing to know something but very difficult at times to practice what you know. But we try a little bit more every day.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Beautifully expressed, poignant and spoken from your heart. Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore is a excellent read on this subject. The universal nature of love touches all, what we do with that touch informs us, it nurtures us and it surprises us, too. And it so very much touches others and lingers and sometimes fades away. But, love and lust and passion and the drive to seek out what we do not hold within us can be shared, it can be broadened or dashed to the wayside of silence. When love brings us to a sense of fulfillment, each time this happens let us hope it happens together. Many smiles, Netta!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love Care of the Soul, Suzy. It’s a great book. And what I gain from that book and your comment is that by listening to the messages of the soul and taking the time to explore our desires we are caring for the soul. I think infidelity in relationships become a problem because our norms tell us that a person is supposed to deny the hungers of their soul to keep a relationship in tact. But by denying what we desire we break the relationship with our own selves. I know that is what drove me into a relationship that was considered illicit, it was judged as wrong, but for me it was a dream come true. Having had the experience I now know what I could not have known had I just walked away without exploring it.
      You made my day by mentioning that awesome book. I’m going to check where I left my copy of it. Have a great day Suzy.

      Like

    • SUZY —– there are two universal kinds of love . ONE is my FATHERS way which never fades , it gets stronger . The outher is man love it says if things dont work out lets break-up and we can look for another. Some times they break up has friends . But most of time they become enemys. TRUE love never gives up . How can our creator give us our soulmate if what we do and say is not the way our creator tells us ? IF he did we would destroy each outher . When he gives us our soulmate its till death seperates us . And if we need another it is HE who will chose at least should chose for us.

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  6. Sweet Netta— THE TRUE LOVE THAT NEVER FAILS never comes from us first . It comes from our creator , and it forms in us so that we think and act just like him . JUST like you and I the LOVE he gave us for each outher is not common in this world . One good question where did it come from ? Did it come from you ? or from me ? WE have never meet , this LOVE is not from any human because it has a spiritual nature . and only HE can explain it and tell us how it works . BUT we both know that it is real —- ALL we have or will ever have comes from MY FATHER even the needs we have in this life . And HE promised us so many good things nothing BAD .The shame is most do not know what they are . When you love someone that love can come from you . And you will give and give . And the one you love will take and take intell you have nothing left to give . But the love that our FATHER gives works in a different way. The love HE gives us teaches us to love and do good to those who treat us bad . and teaches us to forgive, this you do very well . And his love in you will draw people to you so that you can teach them what he teaches you . And its always GOOD . AND you become a wittness to the truth and the love of your creator . HE tells you then you tell outhers what HE tells you . There are many Doctrines in this world . and they were created by man and none agrees with each outher . There is a scripture in the Oldtestment The creator says speaking to the whole world . HE said my thoughts are not yours and yours are not mine . when he showed me this HE added a nother statement .” Because you dont listen to me ” MY people are blind and dont listen because they are to busy telling outhers what they believe. THERE is only one creator which is my FATHER and yours also . HE lives in everone of us , as the scriptures says, we are HIS temple or body HE lives in us and threw us. this is also a fact . THE carnel-mind is the only enemy my FATHER has , because it tells us what to think, what we should do , and how to act . AND it never tells us the truth it can only lie deceive and judge outhers . OUR father does just the opposite —- HE never lies this encludes deceiveing . AND he never judges no one or anything . AND HE never makes you do something you dont want to do . G-D love must come first then he can teach us how and why HE loves us . Then and only then can we love outhers the way HE loves us

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dear Eduardo, that is so well said and I totally agree. I love the input that I’ve had from everyone here. It is amazing that this topic started out being about cheating and in it has now progressed to being about connecting with the ultimate source of love. I love this.
    I also think that you should start your own blog and share more of your thoughts and knowledge with people on line. It would be great to read more from you.
    There is a link at the bottom of this page that says “Blog at WordPress.com” if you click on that link it will take you to the site where you will get instruction on how to start a blog. I hope you will do that soon because I will be the first one to read your posts.
    thx so much for always reading and giving such wonderful feedback.

    Liked by 1 person

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