Being Unhappy Made Me Fat (1)

That’s me. A slumlord no longer.

It’s not about a science, it’s not about weight, nor is it about food or exercise. It’s more a story about a slumlord who had a change of heart and decided to renovate her dingy, fat-infested house.

I had to do something different because the shit I was in was too much for me to bear. The thought of having to go one more fucking day as unhappy and un-pretty was too damn much. I now tell people that you don’t come to meditation or loving yourself because of all your virtues, but because you’ve done every other stupid, fucked-up thing possible and the only option left is something sensible and beneficial.

It’s about how I went from being over-weight and completely disconnected from my own image to finding a place where I feel good inside my body and didn’t owe anyone else a damn thing for being that way. I took my damn self there and I’m proud of taking the journey and making it work.

Where I have been with and in my body has shown me that there is more to physicality than just flesh and blood. The Spirit and the energy I emit has a much greater effect on my body than the food and drink I put into it. My body said: “Netta, it is the consciousness with which you consume your food that builds you or breaks you. It’s the music playing in the background all day long that determines what this body will be and you are not playing the right music, girl.”

It’s not the story of every body, it’s the story of my body and how I had to make its acquaintance over a period spanning several years. It’s the story of how my body sent a desperate message that I wasn’t happy and I in turn made it very unhappy. It wasn’t the cake, wine, the jelly babies nor carbs, protein, oil or sugar that made me fat. It’s the reason why I ate those things that made my body struggle. My body was struggling under the weight of my unanswered desires and eventually it painted that picture for all the world to see.

My body was tired of being told it couldn’t be beautiful because beauty and intelligence are mutually exclusive. It was sick of having to be less than magnificent to put at ease those around me who didn’t think that shining as brightly as you can is everyone’s birth-right. My body was seething with anger and resentment because I was behaving like hobo living in a mansion. I was a tenant coming up short on the rent each month and my landlord was tired of my shit already.

My body has been my greatest spiritual messenger as well as my gracious host and my closest companion and I cherish the relationship we have with each other. It had to come close to breaking point before I started listening to its voice over the voices of all the doctors and experts and pills and good advice.

I’m not going to mention what I weighed nor what size I wore then or now, because to me all that’s bullshit. I am the size I am now and this is where my body wants to be. I eat anything and everything and I do so with a happy heart. In fact if you know me well you’ll know that my main food group is cake.

I don’t exercise because my body does not understand what all that foolish running to nowhere and huffing and puffing is all about. I live. I use my body. I work hard and rest or sleep when I’m tired. I have no set waking time and I have no set bed time; I’m not a machine. But mostly I listen, because my body tells me what makes it happy.

I had to acknowledge that my Spirit needs a place to stay while I live this life and it’s being hosted by a form that is sentient and more than worthy of my reverence. That form can make my journey as pleasurable or miserable as the treatment I give it, so I’d better play nice.

What I wish for everyone to take away in the end is that your body is alive and aware. Your body has an intelligence of its own and that intelligence wishes to communicate with you. It wishes to show you the ways and means to make it perform at its best. Your body loves you but it rarely gets any love back unless it’s sick or broken.

I now look at my body and I see no flaw, I see only beauty and perfection. In all honesty I feel as if I got the best body ever made and I would chose this abode a thousand times over. I wish I could take what I feel and give every living human being a teaspoon full of feeling-damn-fucking-good-about-yourself. Just one teaspoon full.



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