The most painful thing about growing as a person is what you lose by it. Growing has the painful and uncomfortable habit of pushing you to the edge of your life and leaving you standing all by yourself.
The truth about growing is that not everyone and everything that you want to see with you can be in the place you grow into. Growth gradually removes people, places and things that aren’t akin to the path you are on and that in my experience has been the hardest and most painful aspect of living up to the greatness I see in myself.
We are taught to cherish the status quo and that is the anti-dote to growth. I cherish nothing that does not add value to my life, and definitely don’t cherish tradition for the sake of tradition. That is the trait in my identity that keeps me outside the mainstream of life.
There are so many people who I have met and been with who have added immensely to my life and the highest honour I can pay them is to take what they have given me and grow from it. Unfortunately that creates the impression that I am quick to discard people, which is all but true.
Every man I have been with I gave my all to and when it stopped working it ended. Sometimes I got dumped because I don’t know how to not progress.
I have been loved by the best men in this world and each one of them have taught me something that I have taken and made my own. But somehow after gaining what they have taught me and stepping up my game it pushed me out of their lives. I have learnt that as a woman you take great risks when you don’t agree to play small, weak and insignificant, but instead embrace your magnificence. It’s amazing how quickly approval evaporates when you decide not to squeeze yourself into the mould pre-ordained for womanhood. You equally run the risk of never engaging with noble, inspiring, loving, godly men when you decide to be the discount version of yourself.
In deciding to see greatness in men I seriously reduced the numbers who approached me. Why is that? My new beliefs hung around me like a repellent to the hordes of men who didn’t see greatness in themselves. I was pelting rocks at those who did not believe themselves to be worthy of having the best from their women by being the best of themselves. And that is the big conundrum one faces when you reach higher, you step onto the road less travelled. You basically banish yourself to the wilderness of uncharted territory and it is a sparsely populated place.
From where I stand great relationships mean cherishing yesterday, yet often being unable to enjoy the moment and failing to dream of a greater tomorrow. That I cannot do, therefore I will always be where I am right now. In motion.
What I know from my soul is that nothing I can gain will ever be worth more to me than owning who I am and if that isolates me, then so be it. The only ones who will surround me will always be those who can accept me as I am at any given point.
To all the loves of my life at the time, to all the friends who have faded from my life, to all the possessions I no longer possess, I loved you then, I still love you now but I’ll see you on the fly-by.