Technically speaking someone like me would be called a widow. Yet, I would never identify myself in such a depressing way. On a dark, quiet night after days of contemplating the state of my relationships and the decisions and attitudes that brought me to that point I made a promise to myself about how my future relationships would be. I came to understand that every aspect of my life is my creation and if I want it to be different I needed to be different. Different was not enough of description, I had to articulate and specify to myself how I intended to conduct myself in the future. I have to admit though, it’s a work in progress but here it is:
If today I was in a marriage that would only end at the death of one of both of us, I think I would invest more in loving and in friendship and kindness and understanding. I would want to make the journey as easy and pleasurable for both of us as I possibly could. I would like for the signature of the union to be that of a home. That the space that exists between the 2 of us to be home for both of us. If I was in a life-long marriage I would show more of my true self and leave less for one day when I am more comfortable. I would work harder at making it work, I would dig deeper for treasure inside myself and the other person. I would believe more in the other person’s divinity and show them more tolerance. I would be more quiet and less reactionary. I would speak more for the eternal virtues and argue less. I would refrain from saying hurtful words and remember to use only those that I can swallow easily should I have to eat my words.I would remember the good and pay less attention to the undesirable.
My current relationship is one that only existed in my most private, fondest fantasies. I know now what it feels like to live my impossible dream and it required work. It required working on myself. I understand now that working on my inner territory is working on my life because nothing will grow in my life if I don’t cultivate the soil, plant the seed and tend to plants I want to see flourishing in my life.
It is a fundamental lesson to learn that life doesn’t happen to me, but because of me.